By Will Durst

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Bah humbug everybody. And I imagine that sentiment is being echoed by more than a few of you overly familiar with the soft dark underbelly of this “happiest time of the year.” Those of us who have been washed prone by the gushing holiday faucet of red and green greed and are dreading the repurposed solstice celebration as it drips down the gutter of melancholy revealing the regurgitated fruitcake of gloom and despair. Whoa. Wow. Sorry about that.

Then again; what the hell. Pass a cookie and another glass of nog and go easy on the nutmeg and heavy on the brandy, because this warm comforting holly jolly Xmas spirit needs be relit. And to honor all you brave and steadfast consumers setting new records in your patriotic quest to sink heavily into debt to honor the birth of that Jewish hippie kid; we hope to rectify the sins of omission perpetrated by the corpulent bearded one in the scarlet suit by offering up to the most deserving of us- this annual scathingly incisive yet always trenchant, WILL DURST’S 2011 XMA$ GIFT WI$H LI$T.
 
For Newt Gingrich: who admits he says anything that flies into his head: a tiny rabid West African Hummingbird.
For Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker: the AFL- CIO’s Organizer of the Year Award.
For the East Coast: who whimpered for weeks after both a small earthquake and a slight brushing from a near hurricane: a 12 month supply of chill pills.
For American Philatelists: some glue for their Barack Obama stamps that won’t stick to anything, and glossy coating for the one honoring Mitt Romney, which inexplicably causes people to spit on the wrong side.
For Joe Biden: a satellite phone that works from the depths of whatever trench he’s going to be sent for the next year.
For Speaker of the House John Boehner: a gift certificate to Kaiser Permanente, good for one surgical procedure to remove that unsightly Tea Party growth clinging to his back.
For the Penn State University Athletic Department: Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak.
For President Obama: a continuing series of ill- timed principled stands by the Republican House.
For the Tea Party: a boatload of petards upon which they can hoist themselves.
For Barry Bonds: the pleasure of his own company for as long as he can stand it.
For the Mayans: one of those really cute “Baby Monkey Riding on a Pig” calendars for 2013.
For Sarah Palin: a series of hedges to lurk behind for the next ten months.
For Alec Baldwin: an unlimited refillable prescription for Xanax in a carrying case suitable for travel.
For Angela Merkel and the Euro Zone: a diet book explaining how to thrive without Greece.
For Tim Cook, the new CEO of Apple: a world wide epidemic of Jobs amnesia.
For Rick Perry, Michele Bachmann, Jon Huntsman, et al.: prestigious offers for deanships from various universities so they can retreat with a semblance of dignity.
For Herman Cain: his own hour- long network talk show with an all male production staff.
For Anthony Weiner: see above.
For Grover Norquist: a one- way ticket on the clue train. Tax- deductible, of course.
For Charlie Sheen: a personal anger counselor on 24- hour call.
For Donald Trump: a stainless steel muzzle and detailed instructions on how to install it. With rivets.
And for all the rest of us: a reality TV show called Celebrity Russian Roulette starring the Kardashians. With the winner destined to become revered as… The Last Kardashian.